Thursday, December 14, 2006
maybe i should do something constructive.. you know. like courseworks and stuff.. but my evil twin says "isn't this constructive?" and im bound to believe her.. well.. im beginning to think this actually is helpful.. for me. of course. "quite a secretive person" as natalie had defined me.. someone who has this happy, joyful, and crazy mask around her friends... of course, why would i wanna spoil the fun?..
today ive had these mixed emotions.. early in the morning, i was sad.. sad about what's happening these past few days.. everytime i feel happy for a day, or more precisely, for an hour, happiness doesn't wanna stay with me.. it doesn't linger even for at least 2 days or so..
last week, on wednesday, the word "happy" isn't enough to describe how i was feeling.. just the two of us.. --of course epal plays his normal job being an epal so he was still in the scene.. but peterpen was my partner.. --i chose him, obviously, over epal (who seems to have this habit of turning around and looking at me everytime my taekwondo instructor says "pair off with a partner").. during that 45 minute-lesson, i could'nt erase that smile on my face. i really enjoyed working and having a conversation with him.. he was even supposed to "knock me down" the time i kicked him, coz that's what our taekwondo instructor told us to do as an exercise.. but guess what? he didnt. being a gentleman comes naturally.. unlike others who fake it just for you to like them.. instead, he held my hand, but i still fell though.. he pulled me and hugged me, and so we fell together. haha.. we were just laughing and having fun without minding the world around us.. without being concerned about other people... literally, having a world of our own.
but the next day was very much different.. suprisingly, he came in early.. he sat down, and looked as if the earth has fallen on him.. he was so sad. so down. i didnt know what to do.. i really wanted to sit beside him and ask what's wrong.. i guess i would've done that if only tito victor and his wife wasnt there.. the whole of the lesson he was so quiet.. he tried to make a joke, but still, it was obvious that he was really sad, and he was just trying to look happy by putting on that smile, which at that time was trully fake.. until now, i really feel bad.
since then, i haven't talked to him properly.. haven't had any conversation like we did before... i dont know what's wrong.. it seems like he's avoiding me.. but then when he eventually talks to me, i could honestly feel that he wants to talk to me.. everyday, when i walk to school with ate ivy, i walk past him.. he used to look at me, and only me (hehe sorry ate ivy), and flaunt that killer smile of his.. but now it has changed.. whenever i walk past him, he's just looking down, at the floor, like he doesn't want me to see his face..
this morning i was trying to figure out why im feelin this way.. tried to figure out where the boundaries between like and love are... then i had my drama lesson 1st thing.. and suprisingly i really did enjoy it and for a moment i forgot my sadness.. thanks to our "invisble theatre" which happened at break time.. but now it's all back (with the help of the senti song im listenin to at this very moment).. mixed with anxiety and a pinch of excitement for my taekwondo grading tonight.. i really dunno what im supposed to feel...
...this is my secret
