Wednesday, December 20, 2006
these past few days sobrang naggigive up na talaga ako.. slowly.. slowly each day.. ive been thinkin he just probably see me as a friend.. and nothing more than that.. napaka weird ng mga kinikilos nia.. parang iniiwasan nia ko.. pero maraming beses ko na xa nahuhuling nakatingin saken, like he wanna talk to me.. like he wanna say something... pero hindi natutuloy.. lagi nalang.. iniiwas na lang nia ang tingin nia saken whenever i see him looking at me..
im sooo confused.. i dont know what's up with him.. i dont know what's wrong.. why he's acting soo weird lately.. napakalabo nia nman.. kung friend lang ang tingin nia saken bket nia ko iniiwasan?.. yea kapalness ko parang magfeeling.. haha. fine. say whatever you want.. pero ganun ung nafifeel ko eh.. pero naiisip ko ren, if he likes me more than a friend, bket di nlang nia sabihin?.. so maybe he doesn't.. maybe he's just being friendly, as usual... ah ewan.. labo! sobrang labo!!
last night was the big event for some,
Snowball.. especially for 'lovers'.. for students in our school, grammar school
for girls, and students in Bishops, grammar school
for boys.. guaranteed pupunta halos lahat ng taga SWGS and BISHOPS, xmpre.. chance na nila... to dance and have fun with their so-called 'lover'.. at ang lola mo nagmukmok.. i didn't go.. why should i, anyway?.. instead i went to taekwondo.. nagmukmok pren ako kasi wala sila ate ij at ate giselle so i didnt have anyone to talk to.. at for sure wala ren si peterpen dahil pupunta xa sa snowball.. impossibleng hindi... impossibleng piliin nia ang taekwondo kaysa snowball.. sobrang impossible lalo na
pag may girlfriend xa.. and one more thing, it was tuesday yesterday.. he doesn't normally go to taekwondo on tuesdays.. so i asked for a sign.. (yea, soo sad, i know)... i said to myself, if he goes to taekwondo and talk to me rather than attend Snowball and flirt with soo many girls... that means, there's some glint of hope that he might like me more than a friend... i thought,, for sure i already know the answer to that..
NO!! of course he's not coming..
but guess what?? he did turn up!!.. napaka bading talaga! he comes when least expected!.. haha... but that was goood.. sooo yodelly good! so i had that cheeky smile all throughout taekwondo.. at naging ka-group ko pa xa.. nagkukulitan nnman kami, like we did before.. parang back to normal na nga eh.. sobrang funny and sweet na ulit nia.. he even hugged me! haha!! well kasi hindi ko ginawa ung magsusuot ng christmas suit then gawin ung highest patten... tpos ayoko ren gawin ung
'oh no' task na kabadingan ni ma'am houston (where you do a press-up, stand, and jump and shout 'oh no'.. you do it 10 times!).. he's done it, of course, he's the leader as usual.. then sabi ko ayoko.. so i turned around, he was behind me, then he hugged me.. haha!!.. he was trying to stop me from getting away.. tpos ang kulit nmen sobra.. ayoko pren gawin so pinipilit nia ko, kapag umaalis ako hinaharangan nia then hina hug nia ko! haha!! ilang beses ko ren ginawa un! pang aabuso!
slimey fella! mwahaha! grabe! i was soo happy.. we were talking and laughing.. basically having fun.. then he said "i wish i had a camera so that i could take a picture of you"... i was like, just ask for it haha!.. and last night was really great!!... however i didn't expect it to be our last taekwondo lesson... i was expecting we'll break up on thrusday pero hindi.. so hindi ko tuloy nabigay ung christmas card ko skanya.. tsk tsk.. sayang ung card! haha!.. saka matagal tagal ko ren xang hindi makikita... baka after new year pa kami ulit magkita.. but oh well, other than that, i was sooo yodelly happy and kilig last night!! haha! ^^,
...this is my secret
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
sunday was such great fun!! we had a filipino christmas party and almost all the filipinos in Salisbury, UK attended.. even those on duty made sure they'd drop off before or after their shift.. of course apart from those ones whom we call 'KJ' or 'Kill-Joy' ehem!! hint hint ate ij and ate giselle! hehe!!.. oh well, they've missed so much! there were so many pinoy foods.. mmmm... makes me even more hungry.. and there was a little programme where some of them sang and danced... it was so funny.. haha.. and of course, how could i forget the disco after all those.. haha!! i was actually suprised that i've managed to dance like there's no one in the room.. and even more surprised when dad got mum to dance with him on the dance floor! OMG!! i couldn't bare to miss that so i captured their moment with the help of my beloved digital camera.. haaayyy.. everything was perfect.. apart from the last part when i just sat down because they were playing slow music (a.k.a. sweet) intended for married couples, lovers, etc. i didnt have a partner.. everyone did.. i was sooo left out.. if ate ij was there, i could've at least danced with her and imagined she was peterpen! and she could've imagined i was 2 or 3 or heechul or hang kyung, or kibum or whoever she fancies! haha yea i know.. how sad. but oh well.. that was the best party so far..
...this is my secret
Friday, December 15, 2006
**failed-passed-credit-distinction**after gaining 2 distinctions in a row, last night i passed my taekwondo grading and was awarded a credit.. it was ok, for me. but just OK.. on the way home i was rehearsing what i was gonna tell my parents.. i didn't know how to say it.. "i was disappointed. and surely they would be." i was thinkin.. so i got home, ate some spaghetti as i was totally knacked after using up all my strength and power to, from, and during the grading (take note: taekwondo grading 5.00 pm straight after school, not to mention how i get to and from school-i walk).. then my parents got home, i heard how they were praising and patronising my little sister, makee, as they have just been to her school programme.. after all the praises, they eventually asked how my grading went, expecting me to say ive got another distinction award.. well unfortunately, i didnt.. told them i got a credit, and no one else got a distinction.. my parents acted as expected.. in shock, and of course, disappointed.. i could see. anyone can tell.. dad said "bakit credit lang?".. i didnt answer.. tears formed behind my eyes but of course, i should hide it.. so half-way through eating my spaghetti, i went to the toilet to wipe those freakin tears away.. i wouldn't want them to see me crying.. got back then my brother, justin, walked past.. he asked dad "why is ate crying?".. haha. that time, i was still holdin back my tears, controlling myself.. but when dad stared at me and asked me what's wrong, i lost control.. i couldn't help but cry.. i was such a failure.. i could've done better.. could've got that distinction.. however, suprisingly, for the first time my dad came up to comfort me and told me "it's alright.. im still proud of you.. for me, you're the best.." i felt better.. much much better.. those words were all i needed..
this morning i was still thinkin about that grading.. i even ignored peterpen when i walked past him on my way to school (now that was a shock).. all my friends noticed how 'grumpy' i was.. we had a free lesson so we played the game "pictionary".. my friends thought it was a good idea as i am an 'arty' person.. i could see they were trying so hard to cheer me up.. and i really appreciated it.. eventually i forgot about the grading, forgot about my grumpyness, and felt alot better..
looking back, i realised how other people really care about me.. though, almost all of them realy don't show it.. before, i thought all my efforts were just useless coz no one appreciated them.. but i was wrong..
getting '2nd best' or less than a distinction doesn't mean im rubbish.. and it doesnt stop me from doing taekwondo and aiming high... indeed i have high expections and much disappointment was the result.. but im just gonna do my best, accept all compliments, or otherwise, and know that SUCCESS is never final and FAILURE is never fatal.. it's the COURAGE that counts..
...this is my secret
Thursday, December 14, 2006
maybe i should do something constructive.. you know. like courseworks and stuff.. but my evil twin says "isn't this constructive?" and im bound to believe her.. well.. im beginning to think this actually is helpful.. for me. of course. "quite a secretive person" as natalie had defined me.. someone who has this happy, joyful, and crazy mask around her friends... of course, why would i wanna spoil the fun?..
today ive had these mixed emotions.. early in the morning, i was sad.. sad about what's happening these past few days.. everytime i feel happy for a day, or more precisely, for an hour, happiness doesn't wanna stay with me.. it doesn't linger even for at least 2 days or so..
last week, on wednesday, the word "happy" isn't enough to describe how i was feeling.. just the two of us.. --of course epal plays his normal job being an epal so he was still in the scene.. but peterpen was my partner.. --i chose him, obviously, over epal (who seems to have this habit of turning around and looking at me everytime my taekwondo instructor says "pair off with a partner").. during that 45 minute-lesson, i could'nt erase that smile on my face. i really enjoyed working and having a conversation with him.. he was even supposed to "knock me down" the time i kicked him, coz that's what our taekwondo instructor told us to do as an exercise.. but guess what? he didnt. being a gentleman comes naturally.. unlike others who fake it just for you to like them.. instead, he held my hand, but i still fell though.. he pulled me and hugged me, and so we fell together. haha.. we were just laughing and having fun without minding the world around us.. without being concerned about other people... literally, having a world of our own.
but the next day was very much different.. suprisingly, he came in early.. he sat down, and looked as if the earth has fallen on him.. he was so sad. so down. i didnt know what to do.. i really wanted to sit beside him and ask what's wrong.. i guess i would've done that if only tito victor and his wife wasnt there.. the whole of the lesson he was so quiet.. he tried to make a joke, but still, it was obvious that he was really sad, and he was just trying to look happy by putting on that smile, which at that time was trully fake.. until now, i really feel bad.
since then, i haven't talked to him properly.. haven't had any conversation like we did before... i dont know what's wrong.. it seems like he's avoiding me.. but then when he eventually talks to me, i could honestly feel that he wants to talk to me.. everyday, when i walk to school with ate ivy, i walk past him.. he used to look at me, and only me (hehe sorry ate ivy), and flaunt that killer smile of his.. but now it has changed.. whenever i walk past him, he's just looking down, at the floor, like he doesn't want me to see his face..
this morning i was trying to figure out why im feelin this way.. tried to figure out where the boundaries between like and love are... then i had my drama lesson 1st thing.. and suprisingly i really did enjoy it and for a moment i forgot my sadness.. thanks to our "invisble theatre" which happened at break time.. but now it's all back (with the help of the senti song im listenin to at this very moment).. mixed with anxiety and a pinch of excitement for my taekwondo grading tonight.. i really dunno what im supposed to feel...
...this is my secret
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
just realised ive had this blog for a year at inaamag na sia.. eh ngyon lang kasi ako ginanahan mag-blog.. haayyy... dami daming kwento, iba't iba, sari sari... pero wala akong time sa ngyon. it's 5 minutes before the bell so i gotta rush this.. update ko nalang later.
tomorrow is my taekwondo grading and, as usual, im so nervous about it. pero this time isn't as bad as the last one... mejo may halong excitement ang kaba. hehe. i just wish na wala dun si peterpen kasi kung nagkataon, baka hindi ako makagalaw sa sobrang nerbyos at kaba at tense at conscious at lahat lahat na... pero wish me luck nalang.. =S
...this is my secret
